1. No-one else is allowed to sing ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’ on karaoke night unless Maya has already had her turn. It’s Maya’s song and everybody knows it’s Maya’s song because she always dedicates it to J.K. Rowling, Sarah, you bitch.
  1. Public ribbon photography no longer to trigger an automatic custodial sentence.
  1. Gary is not allowed to sing Maya’s name to the tune of that ‘Firestarter’ song every time he walks past Maya’s desk. It’s not funny, Gary, no matter how many times.
  1. Gary is not allowed to ask Maya if there are “any new sex matters [he] should know about” in that creepy way he does. It doesn’t mean that kind of sex, Gary. It’s the kind like, well not gender, because gender isn’t real. The kind to do with being a man or a woman. No, Gary, that’s still the rude kind. Judge! Will you tell him?
  1. Allison Bailey is a black lesbian.
  1. Oh, and Gary is also not allowed to walk past singing that Kula Shaker song from the 90s with the Indian lyrics, except instead of “Govinda Jaya Jaya”, he sings “Govinda Maya Maya”, and it’s really annoying.
  1. Abortion now illegal except to save the life of the pregnant person, with no exceptions for victims of rape or incest.
  1. The good ergonomic chair belongs to Maya. Paula is allowed to use it on Maya’s day off as long as she does not adjust the mechanism and puts it back by Maya’s desk at the end of the day. Sarah is not allowed to use it even if Maya and Paula are both absent because she never puts it back, and she broke the height-adjustment lever on the last chair, meaning Maya had to sit too close to the floor and looked silly, like Arty Morty doing a podcast.