Lisa Meyer, long-time friend and flatmate of feminist scholar Judith Butler, attributed a string of recent food thefts to a misunderstanding due to the incomprehensibility of the Cleveland academic’s writing, a claim Judith views with some suspicion.
“A dear friend of mine makes the most exquisite cupcakes for high-end functions,” explained Ms Butler, “and any that don’t quite make the grade aesthetically get either thrown away or donated to lucky acquaintances such as myself.
“Lisa knows she is welcome to help herself, but on those occasions where our schedules overlap and my partner has family visiting, I will leave a post-it note on the cake box with a polite request to please leave some for our visitors. And let’s say this request has not been honoured on more than one occasion.”
Opium Tea were given permission to view the most recent note, as reproduced here:
Lucas and his coterie of gannets are gracing us with their presence tomorrow, so you would have my gratitude if you left them with an ample supply of sugar. Once they have decamped, do feel free to go to town on the leftovers (if there are any!).
“What does any of that even mean?” rebutted Lisa, wiping cacao frosting from around her mouth. “Who talks like that? ‘Coterie of gannets’. It’s just a bunch of word salad.”
Asked if this was the first such missive she had encountered sellotaped to the lid of the cake box, Lisa was defensive.
“Sure, it’s happened before. But the notes never make any sense,” she continued, pausing to cough out a cloud of icing sugar dust. “How am I supposed to know who ‘J.B.’ is, anyway? God, these are so fucking good.”
Asked if these culinary capers had damaged the bond of trust between the two old friends, Ms Butler was warily acquiescent.
“I’m aware that I have a penchant for somewhat florid language, and I’ve seen Lisa’s eyes glaze over on more than one occasion during one of my verbose tangents,” Judith continued, opening the fridge. “But I do sometimes feel that if someone is reading me in entirely good faith, the content and context of my words are not too enigmatic to decipher.
“At this point, I would like to offer to furnish you with a beverage, but fuck me if she hasn’t used the last of the cocksucking milk again.”