As the beloved canine companion Gromit (no relation) of black lesbian barrister Allison Bailey continues to fight for his life in intensive care, police have announced the discovery of a number of highly poisonous Lily of the Valley plants growing in the garden of Sir Kathleen Stock OBE.
Sir Kathleen is the eponymous star of the popular Sky Atlantic docu-drama ‘Taking Stock’, in which a university professor is driven to increasing levels of moral compromise while desperately trying to maintain tenure.
Allison Bailey, a black lesbian, described the shock and betrayal experienced upon witnessing these developments unfold.
“When dear Gromit was first taken ill, naturally my first instinct was to blame trans-activists,” said Ms Bailey, a lesbian. “I even considered the possibility of neighbourhood children being a bit silly.”
“But it never occurred to me,” said Allison, who is black, “that this was just the latest escalation in a complex web of vengeance and manipulation, designed to re-ignite the hatred in the hearts of those gender critical feminists who had begun to stray from the cause.”
“But the way the camera panned across to the plant pot,” the black lesbian continued, “with the name tag coming into focus right as the chords changed in the Danger Mouse and Norah Jones collaboration on the soundtrack, was absolutely chilling. It was only then that I realised what Sir Stock was actually capable of.”
This sentiment was echoed across social media, with many ‘Taking Stock’ fans describing this latest twist as the point at which the eponymous anti-hero finally crossed the line from morally compromised to irredeemably evil.
Speaking from the grounds of her Sussex University base, Dr Stock was apparently unrepentant.
“I said there would be collateral damage,” said Sir Kathleen, while emptying the last of a can of gasoline onto the surrounding concrete and lighting a cigarette. “Well, guess what? I am the damage.”
At this point, she inhaled once and flicked the cigarette over her shoulder, striding off-screen as the Sussex University campus became engulfed in flames.
(Fade to credits. Music cue: Chris Isaak’s ‘Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing’.)