1. This case sets a precedent binding future complainants to take at least partial responsibility for their own choices and actions.
  2. Advertising of puberty blockers no longer allowed before the 9pm watershed.
  3. While sale of puberty blockers is allowed to resume, COVID-19 hygiene restrictions means they must now only be dispensed in sealed containers, with teenagers no longer permitted to simply help themselves with communal scoops.
  4. Graham Linehan to have his medical license revoked.
  5. Watermelon and raspberry flavour puberty blockers to be discontinued. Teenagers only to be permitted vegetable flavoured blockers and hormone tablets. If they’re anything like my two, that means they’ll never get touched!
  6. The complainant must pay own legal costs if pursuing an appeal to the Supreme Court. Crowdfunding is permitted, with excess funds to go towards buying Arty Morty a computer chair.
  7. Prospective patients must convincingly establish they have not been unduly influenced by themes of gender fluidity in late 90s indie rock, such as ‘Nancy Boy’ by Placebo, ‘Born a Girl’ by the Manic Street Preachers, or that Mansun one with the Danny Dyer video. Garbage are OK, because ‘Androgyny’ didn’t come out until 2001, and that’s a woman singing anyway.
  8. All gender clinic waiting rooms to be installed with a giant portrait of Helen Joyce frowning disapprovingly.
  9. Young people aged 12 or under may only purchase puberty blockers when accompanied by an adult and consumed with a meal.
  10. What is a woman?
  11. Due to waiting times at the Tavistock Gender Identity Clinic currently averaging between 16 to 18 years for a first appointment, the actual blocking of puberty to remain fiendishly impossible.
  12. Children once again permitted to receive medical treatment.